An Actual Hamster is Making Bank With Cryptocurrency

Crypto is absolutely lousy with memes: meme stocks, memes about stocks, and, inevitably, stonks. You’ve probably heard of Dogecoin by now, unless you have been off-world for several years (and in that case, how was the weather?). Based on the wildly popular shiba inu meme, business shibe is the mascot of Dogecoin, perhaps the best known of the B-list cryptocurrencies. But now, there is a living, breathing meme trading cryptocurrency with real money. Meet business hamster Mr. Goxx:

All kidding aside, his career performance is better than Berkshire Hathaway. According to the business hamster’s Twitter, his investment portfolio is up nearly thirty percent since he scampered into the crypto market in June. Rest assured that these gains will be treated seriously: “Since Mr. Goxx is an honorable business rodent, he must calculate with about 35% tax being subtracted on all his returns, so there is still some work left before he can really talk about making money,” the hamster’s anonymous business partner explained in an interview.

The tiny financier lives in Germany. Although his owner is still unnamed, he has diagrammed the hamster’s setup in all its adorable, laser-cut glory. Mr. Goxx conducts his trades from the Goxx Box: the tiniest little trading office you could ever wish to see. He’s got a battle station with three monitors at his finely crafted desk. His newly constructed office has fitness equipment and custom woodwork. He even has an executive living suite attached to his private office, so he can come and go whenever he likes.

This little guy is hamsterdancing his way to fame, running on an actual wheel of fortune. The secret to his success really is his wheel: Mr. Goxx’s “intention wheel” determines which of a few dozen cryptocurrencies he’d like to trade. When he hops off, he can go through one of two nearby tunnels: one for “buy,” and one for “sell.” The “buy” tunnel purchases twenty euros of the selected crypto, while the “sell” tunnel “liquidates the entire position.”

Even though his trading tactics are pretty random, Mr. Goxx has made some deft moves. He sold dogecoin last week that he’d held since July, reaping a 46% return. He also made a tidy 54% profit selling off Chiliz, whose stock exchange callsign is literally CHZ. I get it, I’m an old, but this really is reaching some kind of critical mass of meme.

It really should go without saying that nobody should take a hamster’s crypto trading patterns as advice. With that said — the hamster is doing pretty well for himself. In fact, he was up nearly fifty percent (from $390 to $580), until Bitcoin took a tumble this week and dragged the rest of the crypto market along with it. Per NPR, “as of Sept. 12, Mr. Goxx was performing better than Bitcoin, the Nasdaq 100, Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway and the S&P 500.” Let the record show that I would very much like to give the business hamster a nice fresh strawberry for his outstanding efforts.

All images courtesy of @mrgoxx on Twitter.

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